Sunday June 19th at 6 am my alarm jolted me awake with a start. I hadn't been sleeping in days from the fear of the demon returning to me and was still wearing my rosary around my neck and dousing my room with holy water in a panicked attempt to quell the fear and terror inside of me. It had been so long since I went to church and I had no idea what would happen that day.
I dressed and left my apartment and made the drive arriving just before the service at 8 am was starting. I slipped into the back and sat next to a lady who smiled at me. I was in the very last row on the left and just looked around at the people as they entered and sat down. I tried to smile but I was exhausted; spiritually and morally bankrupt and had nothing to offer anyone in return. I was dry and thirsting for my God.
As the mass began I heard all the familiar words and the reality that I couldn't remember most of them broke my heart in two. Why did I run away? Why was I thinking I could return? The longing in my heart to experience Mass caused me to cry. I cried so hard that my tears rolled in rivers down the pew in front of me and soaked the front of my shirt. I hadn't brought tissues again (you think I would have learned by now) and I was left trying to wipe away my tears with my hands while I ached to be welcomed home.
As everyone went up for communion I knew I could not join them and then my heart really broke. I sobbed until my whole body shook. The years of pride and feeble attempts to save myself from my addictions and pain caved in on my soul and I watched in longing as people walked up to receive the Eucharist. I had to move into the aisle to let people out and then sat down and cried again. An older gentleman across the aisle came over and handed me a cotton hankie, patted my shoulder and said, "It's OK honey. Just keep it." I tried to thank him but nothing but a sob came out and I bowed my head and cried for every moment I had wasted in the past 11 years. As the woman in the same pew returned to her seat she put her arm around me and said, "It's OK sweetie. It's OK." She kept her arms around me until we stood for the final prayer.
I waited while people cleared out of the sanctuary and then approached the priest (Fr Se) and introduced myself. I told him that I "just want to come home" and he was very understanding. He talked to me briefly and then I found out he was leaving town for a week the next day so he told me to email him and I could see him when he returned.
After the service I went home spent and still very frightened. I immediately sat at my computer and typed him a letter reviewing my situation and what I needed to do to come home to the church. I then went to mass again in Burton at noon and met another priest who was very friendly and told me to call him and he would be glad to meet with me.
On Monday I received an email from Fr S stating that my situation was pretty simple. I needed to make a full confession and then I could go to mass and receive the sacraments again. I was so stunned that no one was telling me to go away. I had convinced myself that I was going to be told it was too late and that no one wanted someone who would walk away in a huff and stay gone for 11 years. God was working in the priests who helped me with my initial fear and trepidation and I was grateful to anyone who would "tolerate" me for in my mind I was the lowest of the low and a priest would probably best spend his time on someone more deserving. I called the secretary at the Burton Church and scheduled an appointment to see the priest for my confession. I meandered through my days as a social worker still scared at my apartment and still plagued by feelings of unworthiness and massive guilt.
I went to adoration in Burton and sat for several hours a day and true to form I would be lost in my mind as If I was being lifted from my seat and I was somewhere else. I would come back and 1-2 hours would have gone by. During those times I would see images of the cross, the Blessed Mother, and would feel peace from my addiction for a few hours. The compulsions were relieved by Adoration and took away some of the cravings and thoughts.
On Thursday I went to the church and talked to the priest. I'm not sure what happened but we seemed to run out of time and I was only able to rattle off a few things off of my list. He gave me absolution but something inside of me felt like I was missing something. I needed to read that list and I was convinced that I should immediately start working on penances of my own and cross each one off the list as soon as I completed sufficient penance which was often grueling, self abusive, and excessive. I started wearing head scarfs and sentenced myself to 6 months of that for one sin on my list. I was reading massive pages from the Bible with no link or connection to the sin and feeling lost and scared. I began making myself pray the rosary 12 times a day and other bizarre self abusive things to myself in an attempt to "earn my forgiveness" and show God how sorry I was.
My first communion in 11 years was our newly ordained priest's (Fr D) first time praying Mass without anyone with him. Needless to say I'm sure we will both always remember that day. It was at the 7:30 daily Mass. I was so eager to take communion I couldn't wait for Sunday.
We cannot save ourselves. We cannot make ourselves holy. We cannot free ourselves from bondage to sin and addiction. Only the grace of Jesus Christ can save us. We have to trust in Him and obey Him and we can experience freedom. I didn't know how far down I would have to go.
Many mornings I couldn't take communion. It started to accelerate as I continued to work on my general confession list and make severe penances that were designed to "fix" this problem that was embarrassing and unacceptable. I couldn't understand why it was getting worse. I sincerely desired to be close to Jesus. I prayed, I meditated, I read the Bible, why was my sin getting worse? What was I doing wrong? I would often have to catch a priest after Mass for Confession as many as 5-6 times a week. During one Confession I told Fr D that I couldn't take it anymore and was crying. After we had talked he began giving me absolution and suddenly I heard a voice that said, "Prepare your heart to confess this sin for the last time." I was flooded with emotion and God really spoke through Fr D in a powerful way that day. I never knew how much I would need that promise to hold onto until I could surrender and finally be set free of my addiction and sins that were keeping me from feeling the full love of Jesus.
I was taking a Level I Divine Mercy class and began to meet women who each had their struggles and were finding solace in our sharing our stories as we studied St Faustina's Diary. At that time I was convinced that my leaving the church was ground for excommunication and would read and study Canon Law until 2 or 3 in the morning coming up with crazy reasons why I should be kicked out. I bought books on the topic and began increasing my penances. My addiction is stress related so the harder I pushed myself the worse it became. It was a vicious never-ending cycle of misery. I wasn't happy and I watched others who were at peace and longed for their walk with God.
I would make myself go all day without food and all night without sleep, reciting rosary decades and punishing myself in an attempt to be rid of my addiction. I just had to push myself harder. I was exhausted, frustrated, and hating myself. Every time I slipped back into my addiction I would cry and beat up on myself and grieve the loss of communion and grab whichever priest was praying Mass that day and get right into confession. That was the right thing to do but the other things I was "adding" to the mix were destroying me. I drank heavily and resumed smoking. I wasn't sure what to do. Here I was being pious and attending daily Mass and nothing was getting better. I sought Jesus like a man in the desert seeks water and I had no idea where to find him anymore.
I never told either priest about my self abusive penances because these were secret rituals I had to keep to myself. One morning as I was crying to Fr D in an after Mass confession I broke down and told him I really felt my penance should be to stand in the middle of the freeway with a sign that reads "Hit Me!" He informed me that he would not be giving out that penance that day. I wanted Jesus close to me, but my self salvation attempts only drove us farther apart and I refused to allow his love and grace to heal me. I can clean up this mess myself and then I can give Jesus a beautiful gift of a cleaned up woman. He deserved that. I did not see how this made no sense. I was blind to the fact that He was desperately wanting to set me free. All I knew was that I was a bad Catholic and that I needed to step up the purification process so I could stop doing this terrible sin. In spite of all of this I was making some friends at the church and attending daily Mass. Even if I couldn't take communion I went because I knew if I stayed away due to this addiction Satan would make sure I never was able to go to church so I had enough wherewithal to attend daily regardless of what state of sin I was in and whether or not I could take communion. My list of 11 year sins was still there and I read it over and over.
One bright spot in all this is that I had both priests come to my apartment and do a blessing to rid it of any evil that might be there. I felt so much better afterwards and cleaned out all traces of occult and immoral possessions and threw them into the dumpster. It was a very cleansing act that gave me some relief for a time from my anxiety.
I can't say enough wonderful things about the two priests at my parish. They were always willing to give me confession on a moment's notice, pray with/for me, answer countless emails, talk to me, counsel me, and offer great suggestions. But they did not know the horrible things I was doing. If you don't tell them they can't help you properly. Always confide in your priest about all the steps you are taking in your spiritual walk if you are struggling. In that way they can guide you if you are getting off track.
After a couple months of this agony I couldn't take it anymore. Pain is always a motivator for me to change. After having enough suffering for a lifetime I went into Tuesday night confession with Fr D and showed him the secret "list" and what I was doing to try to make up my own penances and that I was desperate as I couldn't take it anymore. He was newly ordained and wanted to consult Fr S about this and we agreed he would get back to me. Since what I told him was in confession I wrote Fr S and Fr D an email detailing what was going on and giving them permission to discuss the situation. I felt a strong wave of relief as I had been told to stop the penances and I agreed I would await their decision and abide by it. I was told that I was not to add to penances and that I cannot do this for myself. Only Jesus could help me and that issuing myself penances was not a good thing to do. This is where God bluntly told me that I needed to learn obedience. It's my least favorite word but essential to my growth. When we refuse to obey our priests we are disobeying God. They are sitting in for Jesus and when we decide we were "let off easy" or maybe we go the other way and think they are making a big deal out of "nothing" and we disregard their instruction, we cannot grow as we should. God honors obedience. Just as Jesus showed obedience to Mary and Joseph when they found Him in the Temple and later when He demonstrated the ultimate obedience to God the Father by dying for us, we too should be obedient and do our best to follow the teachings of the church and complete the penances we are told to do (and in my case only what we are told to do).
It was ultimately decided I would make a general confession of everything on the list and get rid of it once and for all. I agreed as I needed to read each and every one of those mortal sins and get rid of them. If we weren't meant to state each of our sins we could simply walk into confession and receive a blanket absolution and walk out. Jesus designed confession to be dispensed by a priest and that we should confess our sins so that they can be forgiven.
Now you think that I had my confession date I would feel better right? Well I was about to slide into the deepest abyss of all that almost consumed me.
