One of the things I'm discovering is that one cannot stay in a state of spiritual euphoria forever. As much as I'd like to stay that way, my pendulum is settling into a baseline rhythm reminding me that it's the day-to-day faithfulness, moving forward, and sometimes even hum drum routine that will be the norm for me. I haven't been "feeling" God as intensely as I had in the past week so in mass I prayed, "Lord I know we can't base things on feelings so I will always remember your promise, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" and then I felt a wash of joy flow through me. It was Jesus telling me that we don't base our faith on how many spine thrilling chills we receive but on the Word of God through the Bible and the Church. We experience Him also in the loving hugs and smiles of fellow parishioners as we gather and share our love and faith. We can cling to His promises that He is always with us, leading us and guiding us even in those less than thrilling moments.
I am in prayer for our church's opportunity fair. Groups are setting up tables and we can see what ministries the church has available to us and decide where we feel God is calling us to serve. I am feeling strongly led to choir but I want to meet the wonderful people who are representing all the ministries to see if God has something else for me as well. I have to be careful. I am so grateful and so excited that I want to literally "sign up for everything" and it's vital in one's walk with the Lord to pray about where HE wants you and not overextend yourself. I was in very bad shape and I was given a miracle but I am still healing and I need to allow time for personal devotions, prayer, meditation and relaxation.
God is teaching me balance and obedience as as I drag my feet kicking and screaming through each new and deeper level of surrender. Obedience will always be a key part of my growth in the faith. I just don't LISTEN...even when told by God to do something I will often rebel. I don't understand why I fight for things I don't even want sometimes. I will fight like crazy because I want "my rights" and we see where that has gotten us as a nation and culture. Unborn babies are being murdered in mass numbers and we hear "This is my body! It's my RIGHT!" and the rights of that baby are discarded and it's life ended. I wonder in all that if the women who cry out about the "right" to abort an innocent baby give any thought to the fact that many of these unborn are girls. If you care about women's rights and opportunities for girls shouldn't letting them live be the first priority? No one seems to have an answer when I ask that. This battle cry of "This is my body!" echoes back through time as Jesus holds up bread and says, "This is my body....GIVEN FOR YOU" While our society is clamoring "This is my body. I will do what I want!" and embrace this culture of death, Jesus gave His body so that we can live forever with Him. He set aside his glory and willing gave His body to be beaten, tortured, and broken for you and me. What a beautiful world we would live in if the battle cry of our society was "This is my body, given for YOU" as a woman contemplates what is best for her unborn child. I think the rebellion and insistence on the personal rights of one over the other in our culture tells us a lot. It used to be that no one could stand up for themselves because they were taught to worry about "How that will look?" Society basically used to disregard people's misery in favor of "What will the neighbors think?" Often people lived in abusive situations and swallowed their pain and pretended all was well. Then we decided that that was wrong and we should become more self centered so sadly the pendulum has swung totally the other way, Now you hear "Why should I do that? What's in it for ME?" It seems to be the prevailing thought. I would think God's will probably lies in a healthy balance between these two extremes. We are not called to be a doormat and also not supposed to be disregarding the rights of others to the point where they don't even get to live! I dare to challenge myself in this selfishness of "ME FIRST" (because I see it in me too) and replace that with, "I want to be poured out for you Lord Jesus."
I pray that God take away my selfishness and help me be a balanced woman with healthy self respect that doesn't need to sacrifice someone else to get it MY WAY. I want to love and treat myself with respect and not allow others to "use" me but I also want to give myself in humble service for the one who poured out His blood for me. I desire only to be a holy woman of God. I ask you to pray for me as I struggle with surrender and obedience.
I remember when I was a little girl about 4 years old. I had these shiny black patent leather shoes that had very noisy soles on them. I liked the shoes a lot because they were shiny and pretty and they made NOISE! Whenever I was mad and throwing a fit I would announce out loud, "I am going to put on my shoes!" Then I would put them on and stomp around the house as loud as I could and actually yell out, "STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!" as I slammed my feet into the floor angry as fire! I yelled that phrase over and over with the noise my shoes made as I rebelled hotly until someone either yelled at me to take them off and shut my beak or I got tired and gave up. One day my mother made me sit in a corner and I kept standing up. She would tell me to sit. I would stand. She then really bawled me out and I sat down crying but turned to her and said, "I'm still standing up on the inside!" I realized the other day that spiritually I am still doing those things. It's my willful rebellion and it needs to be surrendered to my Lord Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I actually picture Jesus standing off to the side while I'm lying on the floor kicking and screaming like a 2 year old wearing those shiny black shoes. He patiently says to me, "OK Rosary Girl when you're finished with your temper tantrum I want you to know we are still doing this my way. I'll be over here waiting to move you forward when your done throwing your fit." Then once I finally do it His way I realize that it's great, awesome, wonderful, and I wonder why didn't I do this sooner? Now you would think I would learn but that obstinate part of me still tries to "run the show" and Jesus patiently waits through each temper tantrum while I learn to obey. He understands where it comes from.
Growing up in my family was tough. It was "every man/woman/child for themselves". No one cared about you in the larger sense because were all too busy trying to survive. We were each separate entities that just happened to sleep in the same domicile. You protected yourself, walled off your delicate heart and feelings to protect yourself and ducked and hid from the abuse to survive. It was "survival of the fittest". I learned that you hang onto every little thing you get, like it or not, with a death grip and never let go. Even if it's something you don't want, you better grab it anyway. I remember I was still hungry one night and my father had taken the last of meat entree. I said I wanted more and he said, "Too bad! You snooze, you lose!" and that's the way it was. Grab your share and disregard everything else. I have been delivered from a lot of that but there is still traces of that in my heart and I pray daily God will set me free from that fully so that I can relax and not feel like everything is a major drama.
I have the perfect story to illustrate this point. Remember the Cabbage Patch doll craze? Everyone would fly into the stores at the opening hour and grab them all off the shelf? People were pushing, shoving, fighting, and clawing. I watched this scene as arms were reaching around people that were in their way and just blindly grabbing a box. One woman shouted to her daughter, "Just grab two! We'll just take what we can get!" They didn't even care about what they got. They just grabbed and refused to let go or let anyone else get the dolls they were yanking off the shelf.
I also remember watching two fathers punching each other in the face at the mall while police were called to break it up and a little girl was wailing and sobbing, "Daddy! Daddy!" because they were actually beating the heck out of each other over who would get the last "Tickle Me Elmo" doll. This socialization can hinder us when we want to learn humility. It's just against our norms to put others before ourselves. But this is what we have to do in order to be holy. We live in tough times and they are getting tougher. I pray that we don't build impenetrable walls around our hearts and stay open to the love of God and each other. I found out in my healing that walling off my heart kept it from getting hurt but nothing good could get in either. I couldn't feel love or anything. I was empty with an aching heart. Jesus knocked down those walls and now I can feel the love others have for me and most importantly, the love of God. It's a risk because an open heart can be hurt but that's OK. I want to experience all those feelings so that I can be whole.
Our Divine Mercy group is setting up a table at this opportunity fair (as I mentioned earlier) and I went to a craft and hobby store to pick up tea lights. While there I noticed they already had 6 Christmas aisles set up. The old me would have been livid as I didn't celebrate Christmas and would have been angry at the intrusion. Now I realize that setting up these things early isn't an invasion but an invitation to browse so I could get ideas on how I want to decorate my tree this year. I found myself lost in the aisles and contemplating a tree for the Blessed Mother covered with symbols attributed to her with rosaries all over it instead of strings of garlands. As I thought this over it dawned on me how far I'd come. Here I was spending a total of 3 hours in the these aisles, gathering ideas to honor the Blessed Mother and our Lord at Christmas in three months and I was joyful and excited. There was no trace of anxiety. Could it be the Lord delivered me from that too?
I then, in a totally unplanned event, selected and purchased a nativity set that really spoke to me. It's poly resin but looks like it's made out of wood. As I put it in my cart tears started (just a little) and I was overcome with emotion that Christmas was coming to my apartment. It is so neat that my first year living in my own apartment will be special as I will be celebrating Christmas for the first time since 1995. I am very excited. I was wandering the ornament aisle and prayed and asked God if this was a "good move" feeling a tiny fearful and then my eyes caught an ornament of Mary Queen of Angels...the name of my home parish and my favorite picture of our Blessed Mother. I bought it immediately and accepted that as the Blessed Mother's way of hugging me and telling me that I was moving in the right direction. This was proof that another small dose of healing happened in the aisles of that craft/hobby store. Praise God! I'm moving onto perfection and no that's not an unreasonable goal. The Bible tells us that... "Beloved, now are we the children of God, and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is." (I John 3:2) This will not be me making myself holy, it will be Him making me holy, and giving me the grace to say yes and quit throwing those tantrums. Someday I will see Him and these struggles will then be over. Hallelujah!
