The last few days have been hell. I have been sick with my OCD...it was getting worse. I had wrestled about this addiction and cutting myself off from receiving Communion. A spiritual director and my priest had told me to really search my own heart on this issue and I'd come to terms with going to first available confession and not cutting myself off Communion for this particular issue. Well Satan made sure I had a horrible night and I felt like "Well this was really bad so I shouldn't take Communion" and I was right back into being obsessed about the addiction and Confession again. I just completely forgot how much freedom, grace, love, and total peace I felt with what I knew God wanted me to do. I was convinced I was in control--the sign of a true addict. The only victory you can have over an addiction is when you surrender and concede defeat. Then God can work and miracles happen.
Today I sobbed my eyes out, hit rock bottom and called my friend. After much discussion I am at total peace. I know that if I deliberately sin I cannot take communion before going to Confession. But when your mental illness is clouding your judgement sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realize you are making a mistake about what is full consent and free will and what is addiction and sickness from your mind and it's obsessions. I know now what God wants me to do and I am so grateful that He has let me suffer (sounds weird doesn't it) so that I could finally learn what I needed to learn. It's no coincidence that Jonah was the readings this week--I, like Jonah, had to lay in the "belly of the fish" to finally have a resurrection experience. I had to realize that this has to die so that I can live. Just like Jonah was going in the opposite direction that God wanted him to go, I was also going the wrong way. Instead of experience grace I was experiencing total self condemnation. I had to change my direction and go God's way. Otherwise the end result for me would be insanity and suicide.
What was equally amazing was that neither priest was available for a Confession....that was no coincidence. I needed to sit in this in order to finally do what I needed to do a long time ago--turn to God and not everyone else....and not let the scrupulosity run my life any longer. It was making me start to think about suicide..not that I would have necessarily done it but it was in my mind today. Fr Steve had told me a long time ago that God gives special graces to those of us who are mentally ill because we have so much we are contending with and now I understand what he meant. It's not a blanket license by any means, it's God embracing me in my sicknesses and challenging me to NOT cut myself off from receiving the very thing I needed most...Jesus in the sacrament so that I can be set free by Him from this addiction and obsessive compulsive thinking.
When I try to use the "no communion for me" approach in this particular problem, I feel ostracized, rejected, cut off, and desperate. I become obsessed to the point where I can't pray, participate in mass, or even be with others that I care about. I feel unworthy, I hate myself, and I want to die. I feel I deserve to go to hell and then my self hatred and obsession with Confession and Communion spirals downward smaller and smaller until there's nothing left but to finish yourself off and get it over with...scary process and I had to endure it alone to see where it would take me.
My friend said that Satan loves it that I don't receive Communion when I engage in my addiction and, he makes sure I get worse and worse with the addiction so I take Communion less and less. My friend is convinced that once I stop cutting myself off from Jesus the behavior will probably dissipate and I will experience eventual total healing. It's a bad deal--the more I cut myself off, the worse the behavior gets...this is proof it is indeed an addiction and part of my mental illness and not a deliberate act of free will. I am handicapped in this way and much as I hate to admit it I have to say it, I am not in control of this. So I have to find a source of power that can solve my problem. It's not 100 Confessions a week, it's Jesus in the sacrament. Confession should not become an object of obsession but a sacrament of being reconciled to God when we truly do things we know are wrong. I have always been told I am unwanted, unloved, and that no one really cares about me at all. I was even told that "people will pretend they like you but really they don't." When I get into this negative thinking pattern I feel isolated so I perceive everyone not "fixing" me as a rejection. This feeds into the negative thinking about myself and makes me sicker. Wow! What a lot to learn in 3 days!
So...If I fall into my addiction, I will recognize it, go the next scheduled confession and in the meantime, repent and continue to take Communion.
If you are suffering with an addiction be careful about falling into this trap. The biggest barrier to getting over an addiction is thinking you are in control and that you can start and stop it when you want to...you can't. This keeps you sick and you just get worse and worse. Satan will make sure you will too...so that you never take Communion and eventually run away from the Church because of shame, guilt, and agony and the feeling that you are misunderstood and evil. So as long as you think you are sinning and in control of that...you will never get over your addiction. Once you realize you are powerless over it and only God alone can save you, then the answer becomes obvious. Surrender to God is the path to victory over any addiction!
Satan is so conniving that he will even attempt to use Confession against me to convince me I am really in control of this stuff so that I hate myself more and more and separate myself from the Lord more and more. This was a brilliant maneuver but guess what? I'm onto it now...and I'm free! I am going to Confession tomorrow because the addiction IS a sin but I'm not cutting myself off anymore for this issue. If I commit a deliberate sin then I would have to not receive Communion until after Confession but with this sickness, I know what needs to be done and thankfully I know the power that can break it. It's not me, I cannot do this, I am unable to free myself. But God can free me and I will let Him. I deserve to be loved and freed by Him...as much as anyone else...no more...no less.
I can't. God can. So I am going to let Him. I am all yours God, and you can have this addiction, I am done with it. I should thank the priests for not being available this week, that would really blow their minds!
Praise God who gives us the victory in Christ Jesus!
