Today I've been contemplating all sorts of things. I live with a mood disorder and I have been unable to find any medication that either doesn't make me very sick or works in any way. I keep hoping science will catch up with me.
In the meantime, I am very much able to see when I'm not doing well or off kilter and tend to just spend that time alone rather than risk offending or alienating anyone. The only problem for me is that I end up being totally alone and in my moments of the darkest nights of my soul, I have no one to hold me, no one to reassure me that this too shall pass, and no one to just tell me that they love me. It's really difficult but I try to keep moving forward trusting that God will send me what I need if I continue to trust in His grace and His love. I know that the Blessed Mother is always there and Jesus is there and that I've experienced tremendous healing already. I am grateful for that...more than I can put into words on this blog. I know that this is probably my cross I have to bear but sometimes it just gets me "down". I get tired, it's difficult to keep fighting but I know that eventually my doc will find something that will work, or...maybe not. I am not angry, depressed or uspet, just accepting that this is the way things have to be for now.
I know all the tell tale signs when people start "figuring out" I have a mood disorder. They suddenly look at me like they owe me money; ducking, avoiding me, rushing off, not interested in talking at all, lest they get "roped in" and they rush off. I have experienced this a lot and, again, I know their reasons but it HURTS SO BAD when it's someone I truly care about or respect or trust. I feel so misunderstood. I think sometimes people think I'm "crazy" and they avoid me once their figure out I have my moderate mood swings. I assure you I have a borderline genius IQ, I am FAR from crazy. My intellect, in fact, helps me cope by gently guiding me when I need to go home or reach out.
PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, and OCD are the names of my cross. Sooner or later I go up or down and can't control the ride I'm on. Like a carnival ride, I'm tossed around and just have to hang on and wait for the ride to be over. I'm never psychotic or hallucinating or dangerous, just very moody. Either manic and chattering and emailing like a wild woman or depressed and bummed out and crying. When the stable periods come I fully enter into socializing with others and reach out. I keep hoping that someone won't be afraid, but in this day and age when people who lose their mind and blow away a whole roomful of people I can see why people are hesitant.
People don't want to invest, it's too painful if they can't "help" and in some ways, they can't. They are afraid, they don't know what to say and they would rather not deal with it. I'm with you! I'd rather not deal with it either. I have to ride it out but I have enough intellect to know the signs and I usually try not to burden people too much. I set limits, asking for only a one hour time slot, or limit myself to one email on a topic. It's working well most of the time but it's a sad life because I watch people that I could have developed a very positive relationship pull away and then I'm left with a void. I told my one friend about it and the response warmed my heart, "I've seen you at your worst and your best. I'm not afraid and if people could see how truly wonderful you are they would realize we all have our issues/problems/struggles and you offer a million times more than you could ever know. You ROCK!" What an amazing thing to hear on a day when I see someone I really felt I needed just about knocking into walls to avoid me. I went home after I saw that and cried. I cried for how scared they must be and how much fear/annoyance/exasperation I must have instilled in them to act that way. I truly do not mean to at all and that's the pain of it all. I sincerely prayed for them asking God to shower them with blessings and I guess I have to make some big decisions...but not today, not when I'm on a downswing.
I can't take SSRI's which includes a whole huge family of antidepressants because they push me into a flow blown manic episode so those are off limits. My psychiatrist tried all sorts of mood stabilizers all to no avail. They either don't work at all or they make me a zombie, even with a low dose. I have no emotions at all. That's unacceptable. I want to feel, just not lousy.
I can say coming back to God and His Church has helped so much in so many ways. I am on a daily schedule. I like my orderly routine with my regular church attendance and work. I am going to bed earlier and lack of sleep really messes up my moods. I laid off most alcohol, and that helps too. So coming to God and surrendering my life, experiencing my dramatic healing and liberation from my addiction has had massive spiritual benefits. It has also had psychological ones as well. I have a sense of belonging for the most part. I have been embraced and welcomed so heartily and I appreciate the individual gifts each one of my church family members brings to my life. God bless every single one of them. I just wish when I see people pulling back from me I could convince myself it is maybe just a bad mood or just them and not me. I can laugh, believe it or not because they will often think I don't notice then crashing into walls and tripping to avoid me. Newsflash: I notice.
This downswing is manageable right now. It's not severe as some but I'm in a diner that is playing sad music and it's unbelievable how much music influences my moods. I am feeling sad all right, but it's not enough that I need to stay alone to avoid being rejected. Maybe that's good and maybe it's not. But I consider the feelings of others too. I guess I got a lot of growing to do yet. I'm not sure if my "coping" is the right thing to do. I often feel "punished" when I have to stay home but it keeps me out of trouble and I can take a bath, watch TV, read Facebook, and relax with prayer and my Bible. I try to be caring and nurturing not punishing but it's so lonely. I call it my "time of exile".
I am glad for prayer and the presence of God and the Blessed Mother...they help me get through it all. I know you will understand when I say this, sometimes you just want some physical arms around you. A nice warm hug. I get the feeling that some people think if they do that I will turn into codependent crazy woman. I watch them hug others, but I'm excluded. I have feelings and needs too. Oh well, help me Blessed Mother and lead me on the path to your Son. I know He will understand and care and won't push me away. I want to know that when I hurt someone is there for me saying, "Let me wipe those tears away and hug you. It's all going to be OK. I care." I wonder if I advertised that on Craig's List if I would get any takers. LOL...don't worry I know better than THAT! It's just hard for me to ask what I need because many people can't deliver. And that's not their fault or mine, they just can't. I accept that too today.
I am very reflective. I am not good at confronting people and asking them if they are frightened or upset with me. It would be refreshing to open up one time and find acceptance. All I ever see is the look of relief when I leave. They think I don't see that expression on their faces. Newsflash: I notice.
For now I'm rounding another curve and plunging down another hill on the rollercoaster ride of my moods. I'm near tears and I need to distract myself for a couple hours.
So here I am feeling hollow again. Another dip in the rollercoaster as it runs through a dark underground tunnel. Thank you Jesus you promised me you would never leave me. Please hold my hand while I'm in this dark place. I love you Lord. You made me this way so I will bear my cross with grace. Just remind me always keep my eyes on you. You are my hope. I trust in you.
