Tuesday before my Friday confession started in a black mood. I felt so upset because I had engaged in my sin again and would not be able to take communion. Tuesday is always my favorite day in the parish. We don't have a morning Mass but we do have an evening schedule that has a great variety of experiences starting with a devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help followed by the Rosary, Mass, and then Confession. It's a great night to attend the church! Unfortunately I knew I would have to "sit out" another communion and it was eating at me. I wasn't engaging in my compulsive behaviors and because of that I was filled with pent up anxiety and had no way to vent it. I agonized that I could not meet my Lord at His table and was filled with sorrow. I was preparing for vacation as a social worker so I was trying desperately to get as many people seen as possible and didn't have time to see if I could get with a priest before the services to go to Confession. I was becoming quite adept at asking for special Confessions and joked about spending "more time in the penalty box than in the game" but it was not a joke. I always laugh and make light of things when I'm in agony and I knew I was in serious shape.
I came to the church and something in me just snapped. I was filled with massive dark depression and deep sorrow. I could not shake it and I could not feel God's presence anywhere. This deep, dark night of the soul wrapped cold fingers of death around my heart and I felt a longing to receive the Lord but knew I could not. I held back my tears but they were very near the surface and I could not shake the horrible feelings that were coming to a head and ready to burst like a volcano.
I always struggled with the devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help and I have no idea why. I always got the prayer card but set it aside and would usually listen as everyone prayed. To me I didn't feel like I identified with her and this was a shock as I have a very strong devotion to the Blessed Mother. I used to tell myself I should just not attend and come for the rosary, Mass, and Confession but I kept feeling a nagging to be there for the devotion so I always came. I can honestly admit I never prayed the prayers even once at that time and that is why I never got anything out of it. You get what you put into Mass and the other devotions and prayers. When you give a half effort you get half results. Jesus talks clearly about how we reap what we sow and that is so true. So I did my usual pouting about the devotion but I was in so much agony over not being able to take communion that I was crumbling. Tears were starting in my eyes and I knew I could not stand one more day of NOT being able to take communion because of this addictive sin.
I pictured the Lord standing in front of the church crying and reach out to me and I was crying and reaching out to Him but I could not get to Him because I was evil and could not stop sinning. I felt I had broken His precious heart and the heart of the Blessed Mother and so as the rosary continued it got worse and worse until I could not pray it. The rosary means a lot to me, as you can tell from my pen name, but that night was the first time I could not keep my attention on the prayers and began to cry softly. My heart was empty and dark and my mind was racing to "RUN" but I knew I would not let myself do that.
Once the rosary was finished I could stand no more. I saw Fr D getting ready to put on vestments to say Mass and I knew I just couldn't sit there with my broken heart and handle the way I kept hurting Jesus with my sinning and inability to get myself together. I left my purse in the pew so I couldn't leave and went outside. I sat in the car smoking and the sobbing started. I cried like I'd never cried before. I felt I hurt God and that I was better off dead. I kept thinking that living on this earth wasn't working out for me and I was ready to check out if Friday did not bring the relief I sought. I never threatened God or got angry, I was far too heartbroken for that. I felt that I was already dead inside and nothing could save me.
Suddenly I had the realization that I was truly not going to be able to go to heaven. I was not going to make it. No matter what I did I was doomed to hell and eternal separation from my Lord that I loved so much. I believed it and that was a horrible, sad, and hopeless feeling.
As I was smoking and crying I put in my Rich Mullins CD. I looked at the back of the case to see what songs might be good to listen to as I'd just bought it and did not know what was on it. A song titled, "Hold Me Jesus" drew my attention. As a child who has no memories of being hugged, rocked, held, or given affection that song seemed perfect. I was falling apart fast. I played the song and every single word of it spoke to me. I could not believe it! It was as if someone looked into my desperate heart and longing to be close to God and wrote down every word of how I felt. I was stunned. God was working on me in the parking lot. When Rich sang, "Won't you be my Prince of Peace?" I knew that was my heart's desire. I wanted peace. I wanted the peace that only Jesus could give to come and fill me. I wanted to feel good about being a Christian, and I wanted to be a Catholic who can take communion more than 3-4 times in 7 days.
I came back inside the church once I knew Mass was over and waited in line for Confession. Once in Confession I told Fr D that I couldn't take anymore. I sobbed openly and told him that I had all but given up. He asked me if I had made an appointment with Fr S for the general Confession and I told him it was Friday. He said, "Lorrie I think things are going to be much better for you after Friday." He had no idea how prophetic those words would prove to be. I finished making my Confession and received absolution, feeling somewhat better but still convinced I was doomed to hell.
It was good I was preparing for vacation as it kept me busy until Friday. I was depressed and anxious but I obeyed the priest's instructions not to give myself penances and to hold off on everything I was doing and wait for the Confession.
All day Friday I was nervous. I was having panic attacks but I knew come hell or high water I was not going to miss my 5 pm appointment time. I arrived at 3 and was going to pray since we have all day adoration on Friday until 6 pm. I forgot about the Level II Divine Mercy group and they were praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I love that Chaplet, it's the only time I could feel God's presence but today I was too nervous to pray it. I listened to everyone praying and when it was over the class leader asked if I wanted to sit in on the class. I didn't really feel up to it but it would make the time pass until I could meet with Fr S so I agreed to go. I love everyone dearly in that class so I enjoyed the discussion and many people knew of my appointment and said they would pray for me at that time. I didn't tell them what my addiction was but they knew I was struggling and were offering love and support. It's vital to reach out to others. You don't have to tell them everything just tell them you're struggling and ask for their prayers. During class the leader mentioned a woman was coming to pray for her daughter who had struggles and suffering that were overwhelming her. My ears perked up because that was the name Fr S had mentioned to me. He had said she had "healing gifts" and I immediately wanted to pray for my friend and meet this woman, who might have something to say that would help me in my agony. Mass was at 6 and I would be ready for an encounter that was to change my whole life.
I walked the long walk (it's really short, it just FELT long) to Fr S's office and he was in the hallway talking to someone in an office and told me he would be right there. I was standing in front of a beautiful statue of Our Lady of Grace so I began begging her to help me. I asked her to pray for me and to use her intercessions to plead my cause to her Son. I was so upset and so devastated I did not know what to do anymore.
I made my Confession but it was difficult when Fr S asked me "What does God think of you?" when I talked about my struggles with disappointing God. I can honestly say I had no idea what He thought of me but I was sure He was very disappointed and would probably be getting very tired of me. After the Confession I felt some relief. We discussed mortal sin and that when one is in the grip of addiction they are not in a state of "freedom" and free will comes into question. I felt better. I asked Fr. S to shred that list and he did. I didn't want to ever see it again. Then I went to Mass. Fr. Steve was praying the Mass and talked about saying YES to holiness. It almost seemed like a joke for a compulsive sinner like me to say YES to holiness but I did. I honestly did and I was feeling better than I had felt in years. I knew those sins were gone and I promised to NEVER EVER give myself penances again. I would follow what the priests told me and accept that as God's will for my life.
After we finished praying for a friend everyone gradually left. I walked over and talked to the woman who led the prayer about how I was struggling with an addiction and that I wondered if I could meet her sometime and talk about it. She was warm and empathic telling me that this was the best time. So she told me to go light three candles: one for my friend we just prayed for, one for myself and ..."you know who the third one is for". I went and lit it for my father and at that moment I felt I forgave him. It was over, or at least one level was gone. At that moment I felt no more anger or grief. I told her about my story and she asked questions, and held my hand.
She told me my healing was coming in three stages and that "tonight the heaviest layer is coming off". I was so excited that at long last I would feel something other than depression, sorrow, and regret. She said that the final layer would be...and then she paused. She said, "I know this sounds strange but I keep seeing a nativity scene." I almost burst out laughing and said, "perfect!" I knew that it all made sense. My final healing was going to be attending Christmas mass. I then told her the story about Christmas and we then began to pray.
She described me as having this inner child who was in prison and there was a layer like a thick tombstone over the top of her and that nothing was getting in. No wonder I couldn't feel God or love or anything positive. All those things were there and ready for me but they couldn't get through that concrete layer that was in the way of healing my childhood wounds. She led me through a very involved guided meditation that rescued my child from the prison of pain and unshackled her. We built a power rescue team that was led by Jesus and the Blessed Mother. It included St Therese and St Philomena, who I had just stared a 9 day novena to just 48 hours ago. They surrounded my inner child and called forth her purity, restoring her to her lost innocence.
She then put her hands on me and I felt a jolt of electricity surge through my body and fill me. It ran down to my feet and then up again to my head. I immediately began to speak in tongues. I felt everything lifting off of me and before I knew it I was being filled again. The power of the Holy Spirit was pouring into me. All of those good actions of my priests, their care and concern, the love of the parishioners, and mostly the love of God in Christ was flooding into my dying heart and bringing me back to life. It was as if those good things were in line and waiting and now they poured at once into me and delivered me.
As we continued with the meditation we ended up at a nativity scene where my little girl got to be the angel in a white dress. The woman praying for me said, "We should sing a Christmas Carol...what one do you like?" and I immediately came up with one. "Hark the Herald Angels Sing". You have to appreciate this scene. It is August 26th and we are in a dimly lit church around 9 pm and singing a Christmas carol! It was so amazing. We sang in perfect harmony too!
Then she had me take off my shoes and did healing work with my feet and legs and told me to soak them daily for a week and then every Saturday after that. When we ended the prayer session I knew I would eventually be free of my addiction, the raw urges and nagging thoughts were simply not there that night. I knew that victory would come and for that moment I felt fantastic.
I went home and looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself at all. The deep lines on my face and under my eyes were gone. My eyes were filled with love and I could see the love of Jesus radiating into the mirror. I was glowing!
When I got to Mass the next morning everyone was commenting that "something happened" and were rejoicing with me. Both of my parish priests walked through hell with me and I know they were happy. It takes special men of God to see the hell you're in and dare to walk into it surrounded by darkness and despair and hold out their hand and say, "Come with me and let me show you the way to Jesus". I constantly ask God to give me the walk with Him that I see in my priests.
The next day I walked around my apartment singing, crying tears of joy, and praising God for His goodness. I am free! I could feel God near me. It was so wonderful after feeling so dead inside for so many years.
I know that if the three things that happened that day weren't lined up the way they were, I would have not received this miracle. This confirms to me it was God. I had to go to that Confession and be freed of those sins. I then needed that homily on saying YES to God. Once I said YES to God, then He made a dramatic move toward me and kicked open the door of my prison and delivered me. If you just say yes and take one step toward God He will run to you! He wants to be with you, He really does! If you just accept Him your life will change. I was eager to experience deeper levels of God.
I thought of the 10 lepers Jesus healed and how only 1 came back to thank Him. I got two little battery operated votive candles and placed them in front of that statue of Our Lady of Grace and wrote a note of thanks and left them for her. She interceded for me and I love her. I will worship her Son always.
"But thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:57 KJV)
