So much has happened it's hard to write it all down. I see so much in me that I want the Lord to work on and purify. I have struggled with wanting to "do" things for Jesus as he gently reminded me through his guidance through Fr S that I am to focus on "being" and not "doing". Only when we can BE...then we DO with the right attitude. I am so grateful that I am learning. I echo St Therese -- how wonderful that I see one more sin I can surrender to God's grace!
I have been wrestling about my beliefs regarding the Bible. I have basically thought it's just a book, like Guideposts or other devotional literature. It's good to read, teaches you morals and lessons about God, can be a way to draw closer to God but is not more "inspired" than the phone book. I wrestle hard with this and try to learn more about the Catholic Church's teachings on this but I just can't "let go" and "believe". I discarded it as sacred after too many Bible classes in seminary. The more you "learn" the harder it is to set that aside and enter into a new belief with faith. It's like I'm being asked to "empty my head" and that seems irresponsible to this "brainiac".
Since I am starting the 33 day consecration to Mary tomorrow I wanted to get rid of this feeling of "rebellion" and even if I couldn't resolve my disbelief, at least confess my bad attitude and open myself to hearing God's direction in this regard. So I went into Confession and Fr S talked about being told "lies" and I never thought of that. I always figured that I was taught the "truth" and the Church was manipulating things to get people to do what they want. I never looked that I may have been handed information designed to cause doubt and confusion. I felt better after Confession and went and sat down in Adoration.
All of a sudden I heard, "Write" as plain as day. I didn't bring my journal so I was going crazy finding paper and words were flowing like an ocean into my head. I could see them. I poured them onto the back of two sheets of paper and one was even a message from the Blessed Mother. I was stunned and Adoration ended and I told Fr S, "I got my answer. Now I have to go home and read it." Here is what I was given, word-for-word:
"Believe in me and believe in my Word. Do not be tempted into thinking you can discard one teaching of my Church without quickly falling into sin. This is a trap! Do not do this my daughter. Forget what men have told you in the past about my Word. Were any of you there when it was written? Did you know I wanted the words that are there exactly as they are today? Men may have lied, selected writings for selfish ends, but I redeemed their intentions to bring about my will. These are my words you need to believe come directly from me. Just because sinful man may have written them down and now ignore them means nothing in my plan because all that I wanted written is there for you. I overcome their motives with my redeeming good. I preordained my word before the world was made and protected those sacred words by my direction. So take comfort my daughter and do not be afraid to trust in my word. I will meet you in its pages and relieve you of your doubts. Do not fear surrender and obedience. Walk with my Mother for this 33 days and she will show you the beauty of total obedience to my will and my true Church. Obedience is better to me than sacrifice and your longing to be closer to me pleases me greatly. You have no idea how much I delight in your tender heart and brilliant mind for I made you this way for my glory. You are not a mistake as your earthly parents told you. When Abraham tried to count the stars to see the number of his children I lit a star that night for you. I thought of you then and I am with you now. I named you _____ which means "Victorious One" to inspire you to be victorious and heal. Now take my hand, sweet daughter, and know you are loved forever."
I then received this beautiful message from the Blessed Mother on the eve of my starting my 33 day consecration to her.
"My sweet little girl. I have loved you all of your life. I visited your dreams as a little girl. I am so happy you are drawing nearer to me. Do not despair I am your true Mother and I want you and love you. Don't give up. I freed you from your addiction and I am here. I will never reject you as I see your infinite worth. Come closer and I will give you three gifts over the next 33 days as direct proof of my answer to your prayers to me."
She gave the days they would occur but I'm not to publish them and she said that someone would tell me what they were and that I would sense that it comes from Her. I am so honored and humbled at the way the Lord answers my prayers and longings to know the truth. For the truth is what sets us free.
Tonight during Mass I saw the reflection of Jesus on the crucifix reflected on the host and it took my breath away. At that moment Fr S started breaking it and it was Jesus being broken in such a powerful way I was stunned. In thinking about this I received this short message:
"I allowed you to see my reflection in the host because I want to be reflected by you in this same way."
Thank you Jesus and Blessed Mother. I am so excited about tomorrow and all this 33 days will bring me. Pray for me as I enter this sacred journey.
