CHAPTER ELEVEN: Message From God and Mary

So much has happened it's hard to write it all down. I see so much in me that I want the Lord to work on and purify.  I have struggled with wanting to "do" things for Jesus as he gently reminded me through his guidance through Fr S that I am to focus on "being" and not "doing".  Only when we can BE...then we DO with the right attitude.  I am so grateful that I am learning.  I echo St Therese -- how wonderful that I see one more sin I can surrender to God's grace!

I have been wrestling about my beliefs regarding the Bible. I  have basically thought it's just a book, like Guideposts or other devotional literature.  It's good to read, teaches you morals and lessons about God, can be a way to draw closer to God but is not more "inspired" than the phone book.  I wrestle hard with this and try to learn more about the Catholic Church's teachings on this but I just can't "let go" and "believe".  I discarded it as sacred after too many Bible classes in seminary.  The more you "learn" the harder it is to set that aside and enter into a new belief with faith.  It's like I'm being asked to "empty my head" and that seems irresponsible to this "brainiac". 

Since I am starting the 33 day consecration to Mary tomorrow I wanted to get rid of this feeling of "rebellion" and even if I couldn't resolve my disbelief, at least confess my bad attitude and open myself to hearing God's direction in this regard.  So I went into Confession and Fr S talked about being told "lies" and I never thought of that.  I always figured that I was taught the "truth" and the Church was manipulating things to get people to do what they want.  I never looked that I may have been handed information designed to cause doubt and confusion.  I felt better after Confession and went and sat down in Adoration.

All of a sudden I heard, "Write" as plain as day.  I didn't bring my journal so I was going crazy finding paper and words were flowing like an ocean into my head.  I could see them.  I poured them onto the back of two sheets of paper and one was even a message from the Blessed Mother. I was stunned and Adoration ended and I told Fr S, "I got my answer.  Now I have to go home and read it."  Here is what I was given, word-for-word: 

"Believe in me and believe in my Word. Do not be tempted into thinking you can discard one teaching of my Church without quickly falling into sin.  This is a trap!  Do not do this my daughter.  Forget what men have told you in the past about my Word.  Were any of you there when it was written?  Did you know I wanted the words that are there exactly as they are today?  Men may have lied, selected writings for selfish ends, but I redeemed their intentions to bring about my will.  These are my words you need to believe come directly from me.  Just because sinful man may have written them down and now ignore them means nothing in my plan because all that I wanted written is there for you.  I overcome their motives with my redeeming good.  I preordained my word before the world was made and protected those sacred words by my direction.  So take comfort my daughter and do not be afraid to trust in my word.  I will meet you in its pages and relieve you of your doubts.  Do not fear surrender and obedience.  Walk with my Mother for this 33 days and she will show you the beauty of total obedience to my will and my true Church.  Obedience is better to me than sacrifice and your longing to be closer to me pleases me greatly.  You have no idea how much I delight in your tender heart and brilliant mind for I made you this way for my glory.  You are not a mistake as your earthly parents told you.  When Abraham tried to count the stars to see the number of his children I lit a star that night for you.  I thought of you then and I am with you now.  I named you _____ which means "Victorious One" to inspire you to be victorious and heal.  Now take my hand, sweet daughter, and know you are loved forever." 

I then received this beautiful message from the Blessed Mother on the eve of my starting my 33 day consecration to her.

"My sweet little girl.  I have loved you all of your life.  I visited your dreams as a little girl.  I am so happy you are drawing nearer to me.  Do not despair I am your true Mother and I want you and love you.  Don't give up. I freed you from your addiction and I am here.  I will never reject you as I see your infinite worth.  Come closer and I will give you three gifts over the next 33 days as direct proof of my answer to your prayers to me."

She gave the days they would occur but I'm not to publish them and she said that someone would tell me what they were and that I would sense that it comes from Her.  I am so honored and humbled at the way the Lord answers my prayers and longings to know the truth.  For the truth is what sets us free. 

Tonight during Mass I saw the reflection of Jesus on the crucifix reflected on the host and it took my breath away.  At that moment Fr S started breaking it and it was Jesus being broken in such a powerful way I was stunned.  In thinking about this I received this short message:

"I allowed you to see my reflection in the host because I want to be reflected by you in this same way."

 

Thank you Jesus and Blessed Mother. I am so excited about tomorrow and all this 33 days will bring me.  Pray for me as I enter this sacred journey.  

CHAPTER TEN--No More Self Punishment

The last few days have been hell. I have been sick with my OCD...it was getting worse.  I had wrestled about this addiction and cutting myself off from receiving Communion.  A spiritual director and my priest had told me to really search my own heart on this issue and I'd come to terms with going to first available confession and not cutting myself off Communion for this particular issue.  Well Satan made sure I had a  horrible night and I felt like "Well this was really bad so I shouldn't take Communion" and I was right back into being obsessed about the addiction and Confession again.  I just completely forgot how much freedom, grace, love, and total peace I felt with what I knew God wanted me to do.  I was convinced I was in control--the sign of a true addict.  The only victory you can have over an addiction is when you surrender and concede defeat.  Then God can work and miracles happen.

Today I sobbed my eyes out, hit rock bottom and called my friend.  After much discussion I am at total peace.  I know that if I deliberately  sin I cannot take communion before going to Confession.  But when your mental illness is clouding your judgement sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realize you are making a mistake about what is full consent and free will and what is addiction and sickness from your mind and it's obsessions.  I know now what God wants me to do and I am so grateful that He has let me suffer (sounds weird doesn't it) so that I could finally learn what I needed to learn.  It's no coincidence that Jonah was the readings this week--I, like Jonah, had to lay in the "belly of the fish" to finally have a resurrection experience.  I had to realize that this has to die so that I can live.  Just like Jonah was going in the opposite direction that God wanted him to go, I was also going the wrong way.  Instead of experience grace I was experiencing total self condemnation.  I had to change my direction and go God's way.  Otherwise the end result for me would be insanity and suicide. 

What was equally amazing was that neither priest was available for a Confession....that was no coincidence.  I needed to sit in this in order to finally do what I needed to do a long time ago--turn to God and not everyone else....and not let the scrupulosity run my life any longer.  It was making me start to think about suicide..not that I would have necessarily done it but it was in my mind today.  Fr Steve had told me a long time ago that God gives special graces to those of us who are mentally ill because we have so much we are contending with and now I understand what he meant.  It's not a blanket license by any means, it's God embracing me in my sicknesses and challenging me to NOT cut myself off from receiving the very thing I needed most...Jesus in the sacrament so that I can be set free by Him from this addiction and obsessive compulsive thinking.

When I try to use the "no communion for me" approach in this particular problem, I feel ostracized, rejected, cut off, and desperate.  I become obsessed to the point where I can't pray, participate in mass, or even be with others that I care about.  I feel unworthy, I hate myself, and I want to die.  I feel I deserve to go to hell and then my self hatred and obsession with Confession and Communion spirals downward smaller and smaller until there's nothing left but to finish yourself off and get it over with...scary process and I had to endure it alone to see where it would take me. 

My friend said that Satan loves it that I don't receive Communion when I engage in my addiction and, he makes sure I get worse and worse with the addiction so I take Communion less and less.  My friend is convinced that once I stop cutting myself off from Jesus the behavior will probably dissipate and I will experience eventual total healing.  It's a bad deal--the more I cut myself off, the worse the behavior gets...this is proof it is indeed an addiction and part of my mental illness and not a deliberate act of free will.  I am handicapped in this way and much as I hate to admit it I have to say it, I am not in control of this.  So I have to find a source of power that can solve my problem.  It's not 100 Confessions a week, it's Jesus in the sacrament.  Confession should not become an object of obsession but a sacrament of being reconciled to God when we truly do things we know are wrong.  I have always been told I am unwanted, unloved, and that no one really cares about me at all.  I was even told that "people will pretend they like you but really they don't."  When I get into this negative thinking pattern I feel isolated so I perceive everyone not "fixing" me as a rejection.  This feeds into the negative thinking about myself and makes me sicker.  Wow!  What a lot to learn in 3 days!

So...If I fall into my addiction, I will recognize it, go the next scheduled confession and in the meantime, repent and continue to take Communion. 

If you are suffering with an addiction be careful about falling into this trap.  The biggest barrier to getting over an addiction is thinking you are in control and that you can start and stop it when you want to...you can't.  This keeps you sick and you just get worse and worse.  Satan will make sure you will too...so that you never take Communion and eventually run away from the Church because of shame, guilt, and agony and the feeling that you are misunderstood and evil.  So as long as you think you are sinning and in control of that...you will never get over your addiction.  Once you realize you are powerless over it and only God alone can save you, then the answer becomes obvious. Surrender to God is the path to victory over any addiction!

Satan is so conniving that he will even attempt to use Confession against me to convince me I am really in control of this stuff so that I hate myself more and more and separate myself from the Lord more and more.  This was a brilliant maneuver but guess what?  I'm onto it now...and I'm free!  I am going to Confession tomorrow because the addiction IS a sin but I'm not cutting myself off anymore for this issue. If I commit a deliberate sin then I would have to not receive Communion until after Confession but with this sickness, I know what needs to be done and thankfully I know the power that can break it.  It's not me, I cannot do this, I am unable to free myself.  But God can free me and I will let Him.  I deserve to be loved and freed by Him...as much as anyone else...no more...no less.

I can't.  God can.  So I am going to let Him.  I am all yours God, and you can have this addiction, I am done with it.  I should thank the priests for not being available this week, that would really blow their minds!

Praise God who gives us the victory in Christ Jesus!

CHAPTER NINE--Led to the Faith by my Dead Son

Today was the women's prayer breakfast, and was it ever fantastic!  I truly enjoyed everything and my desire to make a total consecration to Mary was confirmed and cemented today.  I had a chance to tell my story about coming into the Catholic faith to one of the sisters today and she was moved.  It was a very special moment to be able to share how my precious son brought me into the Catholic faith.

His death wasn't just a total shock, it was very horrific.  His head was shattered when he was thrown from the tumbling car and basically cracked open.  The pressure in his brain was so massive that his brain swelling had crushed the lower cradle where his brain would sit at the base of his skull.  He had brain tissue hanging out of both nostrils and was on a ventilator.  It was a rotten way for a loving, beautiful, intelligent, funny teenager to die at 16.  When they shut off the ventilator (after determining his brain was destroyed and he was clinically brain dead) I watched his heartbeat slowly fade away.  I thought that would be the last time we would ever interact but little did I know.

One week to the day after his accident I had a dream.  He was upset and had come to me in a dream and told me that he needed "masses said for him".  I had no idea what a "mass" was but I was stunned.  We weren't Catholic, what could this mean?  As I was relating this story to his brother Tony the stereo Tony had setting in the living room started playing what I now know was a Latin Mass.  It was very eerie as it was the EXACT moment of my son's accident one week later.  So I asked Tony to please shut off the stereo as it was creepy sounding.  He went over and I started talking to some of my deceased sons friends and Tony kept calling out to me, "Mom, Mom."  Getting frustrated I said, "WHAT?!  Why haven't you shut that annoying stuff off?" and he looked at me holding up the cords and speaker wires, "Mom it's not plugged in."  Not only was it not plugged in the speakers weren't attached to it at all!   All of my son's friends were upset and took off out of the house in terror.  My son looked at me and asked, "Mom are you scared?" and I said I wasn't and asked him if he was scared.  He said no he wasn't scared at all.  Poor Tony, my middle son had lost both his best friend (the driver) and his brother in that horrible rollover accident.

There were other things that happened that showed us Johnny was around but they aren't pertinent to my story so I won't get into them.  Johnny came two more times asking for masses to be said and said, "I need them to get where I need to go".  He was upset and told me, "Mom I know I died in that accident and I don't want to be dead."  He then started sobbing and I held him and then he turned into a vapor and smoke and I woke up sobbing.  I was distraught and became mentally unglued.  I started thinking that I needed to kill myself in order to cross over and help him.  I did mention this to friends who were alarmed and told me that everything would be OK, to hang on and not give up.  I railed at God who was my son's murderer in my mind.  He KILLED my son and for no good reason.  Nothing that ever would or could come out of his death would be worthwhile because the price would have been too high for me to ever see any value in it.  It culminated in my sitting alongside the freeway and then walking along the edge right at mile marker 81 on northbound US 23 trying to get up enough nerve to step in front of a truck.  The only thing that kept me from doing it was that I would forever ruin that innocent truck driver's life.  He would be destroyed and if my body was thrown onto another car, imagine what they would endure?  No I could not do that so there was only one option.  I would pray each and every morning for God to end my life and while I was waiting for that answer to my prayer I would have tons of masses said for my son Johnny.  Through doing that I saw and ad for RCIA and the rest is "history".  My dead son brought me to the faith.  I still wrestle about my son's death but I know God grieved as much as I did, He longed to comfort me but I wasn't having it for a long time.  I stopped praying for God to end my life the day I became a Catholic.  In a sense He granted my prayer because I died to my old life and became reborn to a faith that no matter what I did, would never let me go.

Just around the time of the one year anniversary of Johnny's death I had another dream.  Johnny was all white and glowing, almost clear...and so happy.  He was beaming and smiling.  He said, "They told me it's time to go but I can't come and see you anymore.  I don't want to leave you if you aren't going to be OK"  I told him that it was OK for him to go that, in fact, I could NEVER be OK if I knew he wasn't where he was always meant to be.  I told him I would think of him each and every day and my love would endure forever.  He said that whenever I hear the word "star" in a song, he is thinking of me at that moment.  He kissed and hugged me and said, "I love you mom.  I will love you forever.  You will always be my mom."  And then he was gone and I felt a release, like a heavy weight that broke lose and floated upward.  I have never dreamed of him that way since.  I guess you can say that this flies in the face of what people are taught about death.  You can call me crazy, you can say I made it up but I have no reason to make it up.  I'm not cashing in on my experience, on the contrary, no money in the world could have given me what those dreams gave me.

Seeing the sisters today brought back my intense desire to be a nun.  I have wanted to be a sister since I was a little girl.  I used to pray every night that God would make me a Catholic so I could become a nun and go to heaven.  Sadly my student loan debts wouldn't permit me to become a sister and that is a desire that will never be fulfilled in me.  I am sad but searching.  What is God's will for me?  What am I supposed to do for Him with the rest of my life?  I have no idea.  I hope that someday I can find fulfillment in serving God full-time. That is my heartfelt desire and I am open to whatever He wants for me.

Praise be to God!